Are you concerned about your own children? Are they possibly being affected by violence or sexual behavior in their home?

Just letting that thought come to your mind is an accomplishment. Congratulations for being honest and doing a little soul searching. The world is full of people who look back and wish they had done things differently. One option if you are concerned is getting to a professional who can help you sort things out in a confidential manner. If you are still in the thinking process and not ready to take action, please read the guidelines below.

Physical discipline is a reality in our world. Most parents have spanked their children at least once. Although we don’t encourage spanking, we know that it happens. If you spank, please take this quiz to find out if you are headed towards abuse:

1.       When I spank, if I have to admit, I am usually a little bit angry. ____yes ____no

2.       I have had to spank a bit harder now that my child is getting older. ____yes ____no

3.       My husband does the spanking and he does it with pants down. ____yes ____no

4.       My teenagers are getting big but I still have to spank them. ____yes ____no

5.       Unfortunately, I find myself spanking my child for the same mistakes over and over.          ____yes ____no

6.       My child does have marks after a spanking. ____yes ____no

7.       Even though I have been consistent in my discipline, my child is not doing well with his or her behavior. ____yes ____no

8.       My child rarely confides in me when he/she has a problem. ____yes ____no

9.       My child feels he/she is bad and can’t do anything right. ____yes ____no

10.   My child has low self- esteem.  ____yes ____no

11.   As a parent, I find myself feeling more and more frustrated, even though I am trying really hard. ____yes ____no

12.   Sometimes, I really don’t like my child. ____yes ____no

13.   I am not proud of my son/daughter. ____yes ____no

14.   I wish I could stop spanking. ____yes ____no

15.   I feel bad after I spank. ____yes ____no

Scoring: Answering “yes” to questions 3, 6 or 11 shows your family is already in trouble with spanking and we strongly ask you to get help for your family. Spanking children with their pants down is humiliating and can scar then sexually. It is also a strong indicator that the spanker is not a sexually healthy person. Leaving marks from a spanking can result in your family being investigated for child abuse so again, seek help soon. Lastly, increasing frustration along with spanking as a discipline technique will lead to abuse if not stopped. So please take good care of yourself and your child and seek professional help. 

For questions 1,2,4,5,7,8,9,10,12,13,14,or 15. Answering “yes” to three or more of these questions shows you have an increased risk of your child being hurt by your behavior. Either stop hitting and learn some new parenting ideas or get help from a support group. There are lots of group options if you need ideas. Here are some ideas listed below:

• Circle of Parents
• Early Childhood Family Education http://ecfe.mpls.k12.mn.us/index.html
• Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis
• CHADD http://www.chadd.org/

Sexual abuse is a hidden problem. Although many people have come out and shared their past sexual abuse and we often see it played out in the media, it always seems that it is a problem that will happen in someone else’s home. Not our home.   We never want to think that someone we love could be sexually abusing our children. Yet, 93 % of children who are sexually abused by a “trusted person”. And 34% of children who are sexually abused are abused by a family member. So the answer to stopping sexual abuse is very close at hand. 

This means that talking to your children about abuse needs to include information that they are free to report any touch they don’t like, even if it is a touch by a brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, cousin, father, stepfather, mother, stepmother, aunt or uncle. 

It is very hard to tell if someone has a sexual problem and may be prone to sexually abusing children. Most sex offenders are nice and do well with children. They are not sexually abusing children because of being mentally ill or learning disabled. However, any condition that reduces a person’s ability to have good self-control makes them more likely to act out in a sexual way. So children who have ADHD, Autism, Aspersers, or Developmental Disorders need extra supervision when they reach puberty and before.

Below is a list of warning signs that indicate a person has an increased risk of sexually abusing children:

1. (B)oundaries are a Problem: Don’t respect children’s boundaries

· Don’t set limits with children

· Undermine parents’ authority

· Give children presents out of the ordinary

· Encourage children to keep secrets, be silent

2. (A)bnormal Sexual Development

· Want sexual partner to act or look like a child

· Controlling and domineering, “parentlike,” as a partner

· Tell about sexual fantasies regarding children

· Download Internet pornography, try to hide it

· Abused as a child, have not dealt with it

· Need breaks from activities to masturbate.

3. (C)hildren are seen as Sexual

· Talk about child’s body in inappropriate manner (Make fun of, nickname child’s sexual parts)

· Overly interested in child’s sexual development, dating

· Talk about sexual activities of children, teens

· Look at pornography showing children or childlike adults

4. (U)nable to Relate well to People their own age

· Prefers spending time with children versus spending time with people own age

· Seeks uninterrupted time with children

· Often has a special friend who is a child

· May feel inadequate or uncomfortable with people own age

5.  (P)eers = Children

· Views children as his/her peers

· Views self as child like or victim like

· May seem immature

· Enjoys same activities as children

· Too permissive with children – Not in an ADULT Role with them

As you can see that the letters spell the sound: BAC(K) UP. This means when you see a few of these warning signs, you should back up and create a safe boundary between this person and your children. 

⇒ For more information or if you want to talk to someone about these concerns, see the Stop It Now website www.stopitnow.com or call them at 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.763.8368)

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Domestic Violence occurs in many marriages. Most victims feel shame and hope that things will improve. Unfortunately while you are waiting for things to improve, your children are learning and being affected by violence. Here are some things that can occur when children are exposed to physical violence between partners in their home:

• Cortisol, the stress hormone, increases in the child’s brain making them less able to learn, sleep and develop well.
•  High levels of cortisol can affect the actual shape of the brain and create permanent changes in the child’s brain.
• Children may feel anxiety and grow to feel they need to protect the “weak” parent. This makes it hard for the child to learn from and respect their parents either because they are the caregiver to the “hurt” parent or an adversary to the aggressive parent.
• Children learn that violence is a way to solve problems. They may use it at school and get in trouble. They may use it when they are dating and become abusers or victims when they grow up.

⇒ So for assistance in Minnesota, call the Tubman Alliance at 612.825.0000 and put a stop to violence in your relationship.